Riverside 5-0 Halfway House

How refreshing, the opposition turning up with less men than us.  This was a welcome stroll in the park for Riverside after some tough recent matches.  The Black and White boys once again struggled to come to terms with the amount of possession gifted to them by an under par opposition.  It appears that after months of backs to the wall last ditch defensive displays we are now so set in our ways that scoring becomes difficult when we are clearly in charge of a game.

The Babin (Baboon) returned in midfield and decided to put keeper Fitch in deep trouble in the first minute with a thirty yard high punt of a backpass.  This was one of a couple of nervous moments in the opening half hour despite us dominating possession - Green and Fowke commanding at the back.  Having seen the attackers miss a number of piss easy chances and ignoring all defensive duties Pav decided to show there was life in the old dog yet and scored a tremendous solo effort to set the ball rolling.  In a contender for move of the season Barry doubled the advantage with a sweet header just on half time.

And so the defining moment of the season approached after which all subsequent footballing achievements pale into insignificance.  A thirty yard pile driver was honing in on the top corner of the Riverside net.  Just as the opposition were celebrating and the defence cursing themselves for not closing the shot down a save of superhuman proportions was pulled off by Keeper and all round Riverside stud - me!!  One onlooker exclaimed:

"He's f*@kin brilliant him"

Anyway as I said the rest of the game paled into insignificance after that.  I think Dewhurst grabbed a couple of tap ins and Billy scored a decent one followed by a bizarre celebration.  Steve got a man sent off for feigning injury after a deliberate handball which he should have walked for himself (joke Steve). 

Overall a satisfying victory over a bogey team albeit understrength.  Lets hear the Riverside Roar and give Allport the stuffing they rightly deserve next week. 

Final Score:

Halfway     0-5    Riverside (Dewhurst 65,82, Pav 32, Barry 43, Babin 59)

Attendance: 3 Andy Ward, Mrs Ward and daughter

Riverside 2-0 Fender

Charles Darwin was a very clever man and his works on evolution were the most important of his generation.  However, whilst his work stretched to the Golapagos Islands in order to discover the secrets of natural selection he failed to realise that in some areas of the world, time and evolution simply stands still.

Had Darwin been alive to witness the colony of inbreds which inhabit the Woodchurch estate he probably would have started his theory from scratch.  One such colony, the "Boswells" from flat 156K lined one side of the pitch to cheer on their collection of bothers, half brothers and cousins in the recent semi final game against The Black and White Army.  They rose from the primordial soup of Woodchurch with their common genes and played a part in Riversides sorry defeat.

Sour grapes?  In the final analysis we simply couldn't match them for pace, skill, commitment and organisation.  On a better pitch with an understanding of the offside rule we might have had a better chance but in the end they wer the better team.

Riverside started well and Dewhurst having fought off selection pressure from Andy Ward paid the manager back with a cute left footed curler which had the pre-pubescent keeper flapping like a girl.

That was pretty much the only highlight however for the Black and White boys who could not cope with the pace down the flanks.  Had the one nil lead remained for any length of time the Fender boys would probably have cried to their mummy's saying it wasn't fair and that they hated school in particular Mr Edwards the P.E teacher who abused them in the showers.

It wasn't to be however and Fender gained in confidence when they realised that the defence was as watertight as the Titanic.  Indeed sinking like the Titanic would have been a valid metaphor during the 1st half as the midfield and back four failed to stop the flow of through balls for the nippy strikers to latch on to.

Andy Ward provided a ray of light in the second half with a typically cool finish from a quickly taken free kick from the Almighty Ginger One.  This gave Riverside a glimpse of hope and had the ball bounced favourably following a couple of corners and free kicks there might have been an interesting period of extra time ahead.

Riverside must now look to the league and with a full strength team and the return of Billy the Nutter Butter a good finish to the season is surely well within reach.

Final Score:

Fender     4-2     Riverside (Dewhurst 2, Ward 81)

Attendance: 54 - 55 if you include Bunhead who was a virtual spectator.

That was the verdict of manager Fowke after a disappointing Riverside display against fellow strugglers Caledonia. A first half which was all one way traffic saw Riverside take a 2-0 lead with the wind and pitch slope in their favour. The pre match build up had focused on the skipper Andy 'nuff respect' Russell's return to the fray and the forging of a midfield partnership with Paul Singleton. It was therefore sad to see the General (or Genital) of the Black and White Army reduced to yakking like a small dog by the goal as the game kicked off.
This was to set the tone for the first half hour as Riverside's usually slick passing game seemed to have inexplicably deserted them in a similar fashion to Bunhead's parents at his birth.

Plenty of chances had gone begging before Mark Dewhurst broke the deadlock with a long pulsating lob. Spurred on by his personal battle with Wardy to become genial (or genital) goal god Dewhurst doubled the advantage with a slick piece of finishing following a pinpoint clearance by keeper Match Fit. Not rising to accusations from the press that he is the cloned asexual offspring of Phil Allcock with the one objective of obtaining Man of the Match awards for the greater glory of his ginger father, Dewhurst said afterwards:

"We are all powerful, we are all men, we are All cock".

The second half brought about the familiar comedy defending which inevitably saw Grizzly Green engaging in the 'on hands and knees in goal mouth earth beating' ritual, thought to date back to his Neanderthal ancestors (i.e. his Grandad). First up was the Fowke-Fitch debacle with neither wanting to take responsibility for a bouncing ball on the 18 yard box. The result was inevitable and the blame shared. Riverside were reeling and it took an extra special effort by Johnny Tindall to shake off the hangover which had reduced him to a spectator in the first half. A surging break saw JT in acres down the right flank and he unleashed a shot of menacing venom into the top right corner.

Still time for some last minute backs to the wall stuff courtesy of a temporal disruption in the Green-Coburn vortex. A desperate attempt to clear a ball which was never in danger of going in with no opposition strker in sight the Green-Coburn defensive axis contrived to score an own goal of much hilarity which Paul was eager to claim after the match.

The millennium march continues however and Riverside can go into next weeks cup semi-final with confidence.

Final Score: Caledonia 2-3 Riverside Town
Attendance: 5 but curiously the spectators had a total of 13 arms!?

Next up for the Boys in Black and White is Fender in the semi final. A place at Wembley beckons with Riverside searching for some Tranmere type inspiration. Anyone unsure of directions to the venue should contact Dave Barry midweek. Squad   Who knows

The controversial OPTA match ratings for the game against Caledonia are as follows: Matt Fitch 7 - calamitous for 1st goal good tip over Paul Coburn 7 - Gut got in the way for o.g. Steve Green 7 - see above Jed Fowke 7 - mince Jon Tindall 7 - good goal - stunk of booze Bunhead 7 - terrible hair Paul Singleton 8 - nails Andy Russ 7 - vomitous Mark Dewhurst 9 - quality finishing Ben 7 - not as hungover as usual Andy Ward 7 - had a kip in the 2nd half Joel or Dan 7 - showed a sweet touch Andy Russ's Mum 9 - nice oranges

 

30th January 2000

Black and White Army march on....

Respective league positions were tossed aside in a battle royal between Riverside Town and Punchbowl at Hoylake. Riverside battled for a well earned point to put them closer to the coveted third from bottom league position. After weathering some early Punch Bowl pressure a swift break down the right by Mark Dewhurst resulted in a low ball being delivered across the six yard box. Dave Barry believed to be using stealth technology from NASA sneaked into the area un-noticed and poked the ball in for a 1-0 lead.

At half time Riverside were looking value for money for this lead and started the second half positively. Another Dewhurst break caught the skinhead nutter centre half napping and saw the ball fall for in form stroker Andy Ward who for the second time in as many matches exacted a thunderous thump of football justice to take Riverside into a 2-0 lead. In response to questions from the press Wardy remarked:

"I don't know my own strength. I saw Mike at the far post and tried to dink a delicate ball over the top to him. Next thing I knew it had rocketed into the top corner. I'm on fire at the moment. I'm an irresistable and awesome scoring machine and the girls just love it"

Riverside's glee was shortlived as a partially flapped clearance by Cat Fitch was returned with interest from skinhead nutter centre half who found the back of the net after several deflections. Before you could utter the words "oh no not another capitulation" a well taken equaliser by Punch Bowl had Riverside rocking (notice I didn't mention JT's daydreaming at the far post - that would have been harsh).

Riverside had a couple of chances to steal all two points, notably Paul Cockburns miss hit clearance and Paul Singletons bender of a free kick but were pleased in the end to hold out for a draw. This match proved that whilst the difference between top and bottom looks large it is merely the difference between centre halves concentrating and falling asleep.

Final Score: Punch Bowl 2-2 Riverside Town
Attendance: 5 and Ben who looked even more hungover than last week

Next up for the Boys in Black and White is Caledonia FC at Arrowe Park. A much need two points should be on offer here as Riverside pummelled Caledonia to defeat two games ago. Squad The competition for places is hotting up as players begin to stake their claim for the all important cup semi final. The squad is expected to be bolstered next week with the return of Jed, Phil, Andy Russ, Billy, possibly Dan and Pav. Once agsin midweek training has been cancelled due to the fact that no one can be bothered.

The controversial OPTA match ratings for the game against Punch Bowl are as follows: Matt Fitch 7 - flapped at the corner for first goal Paul Cockburn 8 - solid,dependable,naughty,cheeky Steve Green 8 - Grizzly and gutsy performance Jon Tindall 8 - quality despite lapse for 2nd goal Bunhead 5 - marginal improvement Paul Singleton 9 - commanded the midfield Wardy's mate 7 - solid debut Mark Dewhurst 8 - showed good pace Dave Barry 7.5 - quieter than usual,worked hard Andy Ward 8 - superb strike,won lots in the air Mike 7 - short of match fitness Ben 10 - superb hangover

 

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